a cautionary tale for wives who trust too much
Mrs. X: I left my husband.
Me: What?! Why?
Mrs. X: He was cheating on me.
Me: What?! How did that happen? I mean, are you sure he was cheating on you?
Mrs. X: I'm sure. His mistress called me.
Me: What?!
Mrs. X: She told me she had things to say to me.
Me: What?! The gall! No mistress calls her lover's wife. Unless she has a death wish.
And so goes my conversation with Mrs. X, a good friend of mine who found out too late that her imbecile husband has been cheating on her for a year prior to the above verbal exchange (where I said too many “whats” and not enough “I-feel-for-yous”).
When Mrs. X recounted her one-on-one with the mistress, I was torn between laughter and tears. The mistress, let's call her Miss Anna Banana or Miss B., for short, is a human aberration. I can be blatantly crude and cruel here as I am talking about somebody who should be accorded no respect whatsoever. I don't want to be judgmental. I don't usually condemn people because of the choices they make, but I make an exemption here as Miss B. has broken all possible rules on mistress etiquette (if there is such a thing). She. Crossed. The. Line.
She wanted to hasten the ugly process (discovery - confrontation - separation, in that order), I surmise, thus the phone call. She set an appointment with Mrs. X and told my friend that she “couldn't take the situation any longer”. Yes, you read it right. Miss B., with all the effrontery of a shameless hussy (er, because that’s what she is) calls the poor, unsuspecting wife of her lover and complains to her that she was having a hard time being the other woman and that the extra-marital affair was taking a toll on her life. She also suggested to Mrs. X to let Mr. X a.k.a. Imbecile Husband (IH) choose between the two of them. We know how it goes, the typical “her or me” scenario. Now, if it were a song, the lyrics would be sung by the wife, not the mistress. Remember Miss Saigon?
But Mrs. X, democratic as she is, and also probably a little loopy from the shock of talking to her husband’s mistress, acquiesced. As surrealistic as this sounds, there they were, Mrs. X, Miss Anna Banana, and IH over cups of stale coffee in a confrontation worthy of Jerry Springer.
Miss B. asks IH to choose, IH looks at both women and shakes his head. “I can’t.” He says. “I can’t choose between the two of you.” Banana bawls, wailing, cursing and screaming like a mad cow on its way to the slaughter house. She gets a teaspoon and hammers IH's head with it. “But you promised! How could you not choose me?!” and then bellows like a banshee. My friend, Mrs. X, wanted to puke at the atrocious scene before her. Her husband, his mistress, the whole "her or me" fiasco, the cheating, images of Banana and her husband in a secret tryst, ten years of marriage down the drain, and most of all the pain. The pain, the pain. It was too much to bear. Mrs. X stands up and calmly says, “I'll leave the two of you to your squabble. Apparently, you have issues to settle. Goodbye.” And she leaves. And I applaud her. I told her that she did the right thing. Instead of joining in the Springer buffet of bad behavior (i.e. teaspoon-hammering, hair-pulling, hitting, and cursing), she chose the dignified way by simply walking out. What would most of us do when faced with a similar situation?
Truthfully, I don't condemn Miss B. for being what she is, a mistress. But I abhor her for being such a brazen and stupid mistress. She should have known her place. Before she went into a torrid affair with somebody else's husband, she should have known the repercussions of her actions. I know Mrs. X. Her only fault was that she trusted too much. She is also a hardworking, dedicated, and loving mother and wife. IH is a bastard, a chronic womanizer, and a lowlife. He deserves more than just a divorce or an annulment. He deserves to be Lorena Bobbitted at the very least.
I don't want to go on a tirade about why men cheat. I just want to tell this story to wives out there who trust too much and for mistresses who are thinking of crossing the line. To wives, let us not be too complacent or trusting, although the latter is a quality to be commended. Men are weak by nature, and could easily succumb to temptation. Mistresses, a word of advice: remember that there should always be a sense of propriety even in the most inappropriate situation.
And to the cheating, imbecile husbands reading this, never promise your mistresses that you'd choose them over your wives or you'll end up with more than just a teaspoon-sized bump on your heads.
this is my mother, Joanah at 22
